The anger part of grief

This week has been emotionally rough. I am really missing Ryan. I walk past his apartment door to get to mine everyday. I fight the urge to knock. I know that no one will answer. I found a piece of mail near our mailboxes with his name on it. Right next to it in big black letters it said 'DECEASED.' It took a minute to register. I think the anger part of grief is starting to set in. I want my running partner back. Even when I didnt think I could run a hill on our routes he would be yelling at me at the top of his lungs for me to get my ass up the hill. I also remember singing songs of the 80's and 90's as loud as we could, coffee chats in my apartment, and talking about our dating lives. People looked at us like we were crazy. Flash forward to Decemeber 26th when I am sitting in the cardiac ICU facing the real possibility that my friend is dying. I had Megan and Kim there with me, thankfully! They warned me that nothing was going to prepare me for what I saw. They were right, I truly was not prepared for what I walked into. There are 6 nurses around him, a machine breathing for him, and a machine pumping his heart. His eyes were fixated on the ceiling, and his body was trembling. After camping out in the hospital a few days a group of us (20 or so) were told that he would be taken off life support.

How do you say goodbye to someone who inspired you on a daily basis? What do you say? In a comatose state does he hear what I am saying? Does he know how awesome he was as a friend?

How does a 31 year olds body just give out?

I am finding things to occupy my mind. Every once and a while I let my guard down and anger seeps in like it has tonight. While doing my 3 day walk training in the cold and snow last night I could hear Ryan's voice in my head telling me to keep going or he would have a "pincheroo" for me. I know that he would be proud of me for making this decision. I also know that he would have been throwing snow balls at me last night.

I miss you buddy!!!


Heaven was needing a Hero- Jodee Massina
I came by today to see you
I just had to let you know
If I knew the last time that I held you was the last time
I'd have held you, and never let go

Oh, it's kept me awake nights, wondering
I lie in the dark, just asking why
I've always been told
You won't be called home
Until it's your time

I guess heaven was needing a hero
Somebody just like you
Brave enough to stand up
For what you believe
And follow it through
When I try to make it make sense in my mind
The only conclusion I come to
Is heaven was needing a hero
Like you

I remember the last time I saw you
Oh, you held your head up proud
I laughed inside
When I saw how you were standing out in the crowd
Your such a part of who I am
Now that part will just be void
No matter how much I need you now
Heaven needed you more

Cause heaven was needing a hero
Somebody just like you
Brave enough to stand up
For what you believe
And follow it through
When I try to make it make sense in my mind
The only conclusion I come to
Is heaven was needing a hero
Like you

Is Heaven was needing a hero
and that's you