I'm not mad, I'm just broken

I'm not mad, I'm just broken. Sometimes words cut harder then you think they would. The fight has been over for 24 hours, yet his words still bellow in my head. It wasn't a fight where there was yelling, it was calm. It was a fight in which I was losing. I bit my cheek as hard as I could so I wouldnt cry. I feel like showing more emotions just added to the storm that had exploded in my bedroom. I remained calm, my voice shook when I spoke, but I never raised my voice, or got up and walked away, although there were so many times when I wanted to. In the end, I need to figure myself out. Why do I act the way that I do? Do I have a pattern that I need to break? I am going to do my best to figure it all out.

When the storm blew over he gave me a hug and told me it was going to be ok. I felt like I was shattering.

I left the room for a few hours to pull myself together. I made dinner, and watched a movie. When it was time for him to go to work he came into the living room gave me a hug. He told me he loved me and that "we are going to be ok, we are ok. " He gave me a kiss and went to work for the night.

I went to bed broken, still upset by the words said. I woke at 2am when he called to see how I was doing, and wanted to say goodnight.

Despite the fight he is amazing!

This is part of the journey. Ups and downs...it's life!

I run for life!

The past week I have made excuse after excuse as to why I wouldnt get out and run. It was too cold, I am too tired, there's ice on the ground, the main excuse in my head though is that I was too embarassed to get out and run. I didnt want people to laugh at me, or see me in my running gear and point.

I woke up this morning before my alarm clock went off, which is almost unheard of! I got up put my running clothes on and laced up my shoes. Walking down the stairs of my apartment I thought of more excuses that had been holding me back. I got out the front door and began my run. The first few minutes in were slightly painful....and then came the hills. My goal was to make it up the hills without stopping. I kept saying to myself "It will get easier, it will get easier!" I made it. I did a few hills and gave it my best. I am excited to go again on Wednesday. I feel like nothing can really stop me now. No more excuses.

Get out the door and hit the pavement! That will be this month's goal!

To social work or not?

I have started to come to the realization that maybe I shouldnt work in the social work field. Although I love doing what I do, I feel like maybe I should be looking elsewhere. I am constantly living pay check to paycheck, coming home stressed and exhausted.

I woke up this morning overwhelmed. What am I going to do with my life? I spent 5 years in college for law enforcement, something I am not all that interested in anymore. I am 26 and need to find something to do with my life, something that I am happy with, and that will pay my bills. For the last 3 years I have been working in social work, barely making ends meet.

The two things I have started looking into are Addictions Specialist or Cosmotologist, both of which will take about another 2 years of schooling. I am weighing all my options, I feel that both would be an experience that would be beneficial.

I wish it were an easy task. I am just not sure in what direction I am supposed to be going. It would be so much better if someone would tell me "this is what you should be doing with your life!"

I suppose I will continue mulling it over...