At a loss for words

Earlier this fall I took on the roll of a nanny for an 8 year old girl named "O", coupled with my 40 hour a week job at a hospital. The child's mother is a well known surgeon, who is gone a majority of the time. I was asked to move into their house but declined. I have my own place and I like having my own space outside of work.

There have been some ups and down's the last few months. The little girl has thrown fits that are almost scary at times. I feel like our honeymoon period is over and her true colors are starting to show.

From what I can tell there are no consequences in the home. So, when I set limits or consequences for "O" I know that there will be tantrums. I used to work in a boys detention center so fits of anger I am used to, and they dont bother me. I set the limit and once it is crossed there are consequences to her actions. We've done some writing assignments, no TV, no dessert, that sort of thing. For a bit it was working.

Now I am at a loss for words. I am not really sure what to do. "O" has decided to starve herself until she get's her way. I am usually able to get her to eat something, but truth be told it is not much. She has also started saying that she wants to kill herself. I've brought this up to her mother, but I dont think it's been discussed. I have told her that if she really feels that way then we will have to take her to the hospital. She says she doesnt care. She has a very self loathing attitude. I truly dont know where she has learned it from.

When she does good, I do positive re-enforcement. However, she's refusing to do anything she is asked, even by her mother. It all falls on me to get her to do her homework and tutoring, shower.... daily basics. I feel like her mom gives up on her and then I come in and have her do what she is supposed to.

She is 8 years old. She can't make adult decisions, and I feel like her mom is allowing her to do so. She doesnt want to do her homework, so mom doesnt make her. She doesnt want to eat, mom doesnt push the issue. Basic hygene is lacking. I am doing the best that I can. I think if I had her mom on the same page things would get accomplished.

I am completely frustrated and at a loss for words.

The anger part of grief

This week has been emotionally rough. I am really missing Ryan. I walk past his apartment door to get to mine everyday. I fight the urge to knock. I know that no one will answer. I found a piece of mail near our mailboxes with his name on it. Right next to it in big black letters it said 'DECEASED.' It took a minute to register. I think the anger part of grief is starting to set in. I want my running partner back. Even when I didnt think I could run a hill on our routes he would be yelling at me at the top of his lungs for me to get my ass up the hill. I also remember singing songs of the 80's and 90's as loud as we could, coffee chats in my apartment, and talking about our dating lives. People looked at us like we were crazy. Flash forward to Decemeber 26th when I am sitting in the cardiac ICU facing the real possibility that my friend is dying. I had Megan and Kim there with me, thankfully! They warned me that nothing was going to prepare me for what I saw. They were right, I truly was not prepared for what I walked into. There are 6 nurses around him, a machine breathing for him, and a machine pumping his heart. His eyes were fixated on the ceiling, and his body was trembling. After camping out in the hospital a few days a group of us (20 or so) were told that he would be taken off life support.

How do you say goodbye to someone who inspired you on a daily basis? What do you say? In a comatose state does he hear what I am saying? Does he know how awesome he was as a friend?

How does a 31 year olds body just give out?

I am finding things to occupy my mind. Every once and a while I let my guard down and anger seeps in like it has tonight. While doing my 3 day walk training in the cold and snow last night I could hear Ryan's voice in my head telling me to keep going or he would have a "pincheroo" for me. I know that he would be proud of me for making this decision. I also know that he would have been throwing snow balls at me last night.

I miss you buddy!!!


Heaven was needing a Hero- Jodee Massina
I came by today to see you
I just had to let you know
If I knew the last time that I held you was the last time
I'd have held you, and never let go

Oh, it's kept me awake nights, wondering
I lie in the dark, just asking why
I've always been told
You won't be called home
Until it's your time

I guess heaven was needing a hero
Somebody just like you
Brave enough to stand up
For what you believe
And follow it through
When I try to make it make sense in my mind
The only conclusion I come to
Is heaven was needing a hero
Like you

I remember the last time I saw you
Oh, you held your head up proud
I laughed inside
When I saw how you were standing out in the crowd
Your such a part of who I am
Now that part will just be void
No matter how much I need you now
Heaven needed you more

Cause heaven was needing a hero
Somebody just like you
Brave enough to stand up
For what you believe
And follow it through
When I try to make it make sense in my mind
The only conclusion I come to
Is heaven was needing a hero
Like you

Is Heaven was needing a hero
and that's you

Rising to the Breast Cancer 3 Day Challenge

2007 was a very rough year for me. The ending of a relationship, health concerns, and the loss of a good friend and running partner a few days after Christmas. I found myself overwhelmed, feeling lost and in a daze. I wanted to find something that could occupy my time, and keep my mind busy. As I was driving to work about 2 weeks ago I heard a commercial for the breast cancer 3 day walk. This is something I have always wanted to do but never did. That morning I decided that the 3 day walk would be my challenge and inspiration.

"There are no great people in this world, only great challenges which ordinary people rise to meet"

I've started my training, I am feeling good and it's giving me something to look forward to. I have a few friends joining me in the journey in September. It's nice to have other's to keep you motivated....especially in this freezing winter.

Last night I met up with a friend at sunset and we went for our walk. It was freezing(12 degrees) but truly beautiful. On the final mile of our walk the full moon was shinning over the river. It just about took my breath away.

I am looking forward to the challenge, and the journey a head. If they can fight cancer, then I can walk 60 miles to raise money for it.